i often question my own competence in the workplace. the problem is that i really don't care enough about the work, when you get down to it. i care about doing a good job and being a good manager for my team, but i have no true passion in the actual projects. and that lack of passion is what will prevent me from investing more of my soul into the work.

i do want to cut myself some slack regarding the competence question though. yesterday we had a lovely end-of-year happy hour with the team and the one guy who is leaving. it was really pleasant and i'm happy to be working with these people. i care about my team and worry about hovering too much (which i might get from my doting mother). i try to keep my distance and not micro manage. i try to only butt in when i see recurring issues. i meet with them regularly to touch base and ask questions that my manager doesn't ask of me. i try to remain human with them. humanity is important to me in the workplace (it doesn't seem important to some other folks).

as i get closer and closer to motherhood, i wonder how much patience i will have for the corporate workplace. yes it gives me the means to support my family, but its lack of meaningfulness will be absolutely more dreary next to the joy of tending to my offspring.

five days away from the office makes me absolutely elated. just that one day of working from home (monday, xmas eve, a short day), makes the hugest difference. i am excited to cozy up at my parents' house.

as weary as i am about this corporate existence, there are such pockets of goodness within. i am grateful for that. some things i like include:
- chatting with people around the office - this has gotten warmer now and lovelier now that i have been with the company for 2.5 years
- palling around with my team
- having a buddy to sneak off for tea with
- delighting in free food
- complimenting the team on work well done
- promoting and rewarding people
- belonging to a group
- having a window looking out over nyc
- being surrounded by culture in nyc

it's not all bad stuff all day long. that's what keeps me going.

i get so excited about spare time. i can't get enough of it. no obligations, pure potentiality. it's something i savor greatly. so on a day like today, when i am tending to my sore throat like a good pregnant woman (i probably would not have stayed home were i not withchild), i couldn't succumb to naps. i had to make the most of the waking hours spent in my cozy abode. i mainly did restful things, but tried to be productive at it. this is what i did:
- ate a healthy breakfast
- called the electric company to figure out a billing issue
- paid bills
- watched gilmore girls
- played lots of iphone boggle
- spent time on facebook and online surfing
- ate healthy leftovers (tons of spinach)
- drank 7 glasses of water, one glass of juice and one glass of decaf
- made brownies
- finished the basketball book finally

not bad. i plan to watch the blazer game and then sleep early.

there is guilt about calling in sick. isn't that dumb? hmm, whose life is this - mine or my workplace's? it's a busy time of year and one of my team is out, but that doesn't mean i need to sacrifice my health. like i said, this baby kept me home. i'm glad i stayed home and barely checked my email. i needed this rest, both physically and mentally.

this week was long and brutal, namely because we all enjoyed a decadent 4-day thanksgiving  break, complete with food, merriment, warmth and much rest. i got comfortable in that little break. i could have just gone on for a long time doing what we did. we even spent a night at my parents' house, oh so cozy, eating leftovers and dozing while watching the games.

it was a brutal week at work, busy and bustling. there is change happening and my boss was clearly ruffled, and his stresses only add to my stresses. it is so unhealthy, the effects of a cold boss on an employee. i suffered mild psychological distress from my previous boss (who traumatized troops for years before i got there), and while this new one has been mainly hands off and great, his coldness certainly clouded the early part of my week. i guess i care what they think of me. i don't do well without a little indirect feedback. a mood, a look of concern - these things have a huge affect on my overall outlook and confidence. but the thing is, i don't even care about this work very much, so why should this affect bother me? i know - i'm human. and in an inhuman environment perhaps.

are the corporate gods trying to tell me something? first i ran into my former SVP at a subway station and we rode two stops together. after my disheartening week with my boss, i was oddly comforted by this brief conversation with my former SVP. was it her mild but tough confidence in me that lifted my spirits? also the feminine touch - as unemotional as she can be i think i miss her strong feminine presence in our division. she's very edgy and cool, and i think i sort of admire the way she maintains that in her corporate world.

and THEN last night i rode the elevator with my CEO. just me and the CEO of this huge organization that employs thousands of people. as he approached the elevator banks he could tell i recognized him and so he chatted warmly which i appreciated. the same with my EVP, there is a certain people skill that comes through where they know how to respectfully communicate with you attentively, make you feel on par with them, listen brightly and extend warmth. it's stupid but i felt a bit starstruck and later i wished i had talked up myself and my team a bit more. and i second guessed what i said to him. but all in all he was very nice and it was a cool encounter.

i liked these encounters with humanity. maybe the corporate gods are trying to tell me that it's not all corporate ladders - that there is humanity i can embrace in this surreal office life. the problem is that i would rather be investing my blood, sweat & tears into efforts that boost the soul. this corporate life just doesn't equate to that. 

it's been a dark week in the northeast. threats of a hurricane, anticipation and anxiety. then devastation. we were just fine, dealt with a power outage for 28 hours, but it really was nothing to whine about. we had food and good company, candles, board games, and were able to pay my folks a nice surprise visit on their anniversary.

catastrophes like this bring into sharp relief the extreme reliance we have on electricity, gasoline, and the interwebs. we are helpless morons without these things. i know i was growing restless on our second night without power, worrisome about how long this would extend and also wondering how the general populace could remain civil, especially in the black of night.

it makes me want to shun the corporate world and pitch in to right society - bring us back to a place of generosity, warmth, selflessness, and care for the earth. act locally. ride bicycles and commune with others to share the bounty of the land - fresh produce that doesn't need backup generators for long-term refrigeration. portland is on to something with their urban farms.

skyscraper highrises that cannot provide basics to their wealthy residents. what is this land we are in? this city is jam-packed and unable to sustain itself.

the earth is rejecting pollution by getting sick, and wreaking havoc on communities that are not built to withstand such disasters. it is an important force to reckon with in the coming years, for sure. two hurricanes in two years says something.

i long for nature, for sun, for family and friends and community.

OK commuter

ah, the commute - such an enriching way to spend, oh, nearly 500 hours a year...

i was born into commuting, introduced to it at an early age. my mom used to take my sister and i on shopping excursions via the bus and the path train. i have been all too familiar with fares, passengers and crowds all my life. commuting was a fact of life - it wasn't something i begrudged.

it wasn't until my mid twenties that i grew frustrated with the ritual. feeling so close to strangers on a daily basis, yet so lonely at the same time. chasing down buses and trains to save myself from having to wait for the next ones (an extra 5 minutes, sometimes). balancing the guilt vs. entitlement on how to spend my time - sleeping, playing games, reading, staring out into space, listening to podcasts?

i have come to accept the fact that my current commute is an hour at best. in the morning i don't mind so much. i'm a morning person, and i thoroughly enjoy that hour to ease into the day, from the comfort of a cushioned seat in a vehicle that travels above ground. i can breathe in the sunshine and catch priceless views of the NYC skyline. coming home however, has been oh so amusing. the stampede of business folk headed to the bus depot, dodging tourists and so rudely walking in the bike lane. the breadlines streaming throughout the station - nearly 200 people in front of me.

i was finding that my bus commute home was inching towards the 90 minute mark. 90 minutes is a terrifying prospect. so i decided to change things up and start taking a different route home - that involves a transfer, more stairs, but saves me at least twenty minutes. (that's twenty more minutes with my baby, come 2013!) however today as i set my internal stopwatch (i savor each minute that i save) my train experienced major delays. i would say i lost about 20 minutes at least, and much of that time was spent stalled at various stations along the way.

it stunned me that everyone was so calm. there was no angst in the air. the conductor kept us updated, and maybe i was projecting my comfort at a coveted seat and my updated NYT app - but i was so pleasantly comforted by the lack of dissonance in the air. maybe we new yorkers are used to this type of inconvenience, but we aren't all steaming bottles of rage. signs of humanity.

a drone's escape

i never allow myself a whole week off of work, with two weekends. i think i prefer having the short weeks rather than going away and then cold turkey-ing it into a cold harsh 5-day reality. honestly, i'm terrified of the coming week. i have access to email and plan to check it today, to stave off any shock and anxiety that could overwhelm my first day back.

on my vacation i barely thought about work. about the people, the place, the projects. barely. i barely thought about anything except the moment, and our meals, and the baby. i spent a lot of time just putting my hand on the belly and feeling the baby kick. i did some yoga, some floating, some beach walking. i rested a lot. i read and wrote. it was blissful.

i found myself more in love with our favorite breakfast spot, because it re-inspired the love of healthful food that i felt in pdx. each day i had oatmeal and an almond milk smoothie, made with love. i felt so invigorated and ready to soak in sunshine for the following few hours. our routine was lovely. i'd wake, go to the balcony to read and drink water, we'd go get breakfast, then head to the beach. i would sunbathe for a while and read, and write. and then after digesting i would do some yoga, wade a bit, and take my walk on the beach. after a few hours of this we would retreat to the pool bar for refreshments, me with my virgin pina colada. we would think about lunch, sometimes go elsewhere. the afternoon was sort of up in the air - we lounged, we waited out the rain, returned to the pool, used the internet. we would relax a bit in the late afternoon and then plan our dinner excursion. after dinner we'd return to the hotel and watch playoff baseball.

i need to load up on bananas and replenish the body. it's harder to stay healthy here due to the mediocre produce, lack of time, and incessant pang of work. i let my body breathe for a good 11 days because my family and i truly needed some severe meditative healing. it was lovely.

a city of fools

i now partake in this parade of buses twice a day, shuttling through the tunnel and onto clogged paths leading to a dark dropoff point. a very inhuman depot, the bus terminal has barely any pavement and seems a milder flavor of train tubes. it can't be healthy for the dispatchers who stand amidst the smog for hours on end. sometimes i wait up to 20 minutes for the right bus, watching business folk run and futz with their phones as they make their journeys home to life.

it just seems foolish to me, let's make lots of money so we can afford to live in this expensive city and have only a few hours a day to enjoy life. this expensive city comes with stress, and so those few hours are often spent decompressing from the stress. and any dreams of pursuing hobbies such as baking pies or reading long novels just simply goes down the drain because who has time or mental energy to do that.

i love this apartment, i love being near old friends and family. i love the diversity and the fast pace. but what i do not love is the fear of leaving income behind and not knowing how to support myself and my family.

simplifying

what is even the point of participating in the corporate world? well, two main things:
- good income to support myself and my family in an expensive region
- health insurance

lately, what i enjoy most is just being at home. we have a dishwasher and a washer/dryer for god's sake, and i'm making the most of them. this new place is much bigger and more comfy for us. though i do wonder how we'll feel once we are three - will it quickly become small again? do we just have too much stuff?

i waver between wanting to live simply and wanting to soak in as much life and world as possible. i have intentions of recording music and reading tons of books, and participating in community activities. but is there anything wrong with just loving to spend time with my husband and allow my busy and nurturing body to rest on the couch? i love just walking to the park. going to the organic grocery store and perusing the shelves. i walk slowly now so even short jaunts feel full and satisfying. last week, i finished a book while sitting in the park - it was so pleasant.

there's tons of organizing to do. that's fine, but i am searching for a better balance. a truer balance of simple and intricate. richly intricate, not too tightly woven but using the most genuine threads. i am probably overthinking things and feeling like i need to be something that i am not. i know how to just be - so just be without worrying about it. if there is already happiness, then don't go looking for it.

from within

sometimes the workplace feels like a holding cell, a trap. i try to remind myself over and over that it is not; that life continues at work; that i shouldn't place so much a separation between work and life. i find solace in the humanity at work - chumming around with my team, enjoying an amazing view from our windows, delighting in free food like a young child. however, what it seems to come down to at every place i've worked at, is this: i would rather be somewhere else.

i might even sometimes enjoy the work i am doing, but even so: i would rather be cultivating my hobbies and spending time with loved ones. i wish i could spend all my time doing those things.

and aside from integrating with the reality of the workplace, finding humanity and joy - i also find escape. the interwebs, email, facebook checks on my iphone, and of course instant messenger. also there is a strange comfort in the solitude of my cubicle, or sometimes a huddle room. is it wrong to cling to escape? am i actually tearing down the possibility to embrace my workday?

what i want to do is infuse my deep passion about wellness and mindfulness into the work that i do and the interactions i have. i wish to spread my philosophies about these things. to help others love their day and appreciate life even when they are "stuck" here. to find opportunities in my day rather than longing for it to end.

i need to truly embody this before i can expect to make a direct impact on others.

the average corporate minion gets about two weeks of vacation a year. i've lucked out with close to 3. and yet, what is three weeks really? it seems like nothing. fifteen days scattered over the course of three hundred sixty-five is a drop in the bucket. where are our values? shouldn't we be making room for our lives?

i spent a lovely five days with family and boy was it refreshing. it is great to truly get away, literally. i flew to another country, to another climate practically, and breathed in the fresh air from fir trees. i saw vast mountain ranges and experienced altitudes i had never felt before. i gorged on delicious food cooked by my aunt, allowed myself to indulge in naps and lazy merriment as befits a woman in my state. i bonded with newfound cousins.

yes, i am gladly looking forward to the huge change coming ahead in my life. i am every bit excited, elated, anxious, scared, cautious, thrilled. i have visions of running around barefoot in the grass somewhere out in the great outdoors. this city life, it wears on you. more and more it feels like an unhealthy pace, at least in the long term.

in the short-term, you bet i want my child to know her grandparents and experience diversity in one of the most international meccas of the world.

it's hard, i actually have to stop myself from writing passive aggressive preaching on facebook. anything i write on there feels so loaded. am i just imagining it? if i comment on a fun time, i am bragging about my social life. if i comment on vegging out, i am hailing the joys of solitude and poo-poohing on folks who party. if i link to a video, i am showing off for knowing this band. if i quote a book, i am trying to look intellectual.

that all sounds very petty and silly.

what are the things i really just wanna say?

this city frustrates me.

i miss drinking coffee.

i have a secret that i can't share yet.

it hurts that people don't even ask me how my show went. 

i wish i cooked more.

i just checked all my old livejournal friends' pages. some i have visited in recent months, some i hadn't viewed in a year or a decade.

i really miss our house back west. i know i suffered a lonely period but i miss how close i was to nature.

i kind of miss running. 

i first read le petit prince in highschool, when i was about 14. at that age life is simple and pretty much laid out for you for a little while. i couldn't quite understand in the book when the protagonist and the prince talked about being true to yourself and only doing things you care about. why was something so obvious even being discussed? why would you do things you didn't care about?

twenty odd years later i am struggling to hold on to that notion. it is extremely challenging to make ends meet in this expensive, beautiful city, and most new yorkers spend their time scraping by. working jobs they dislike because the pay is good. if you asked me what i'd rather be doing with my time, i'd tell you that i'd rather be listening to the wind in the trees and picking vegetables from my backyard. instead, i need to stay content with this city life, enjoying the chaise and the chirping of sparrows outside my window. i do like my neighborhood, but i don't have the money to embrace it the way i'd like to.

sometimes i dream about moving back to our little house. i was desperately lonely there, but it was freedom and the earth like i'd never known.

friday is nice. sometimes it lays it on easy, sometimes it lays it on thick. but either way you know that if it's 3pm and you have no more meetings, no more deliverables.... you can shut off your brain. i always do. i try to shut off my brain around 2:30, 3 every friday. part of me thinks that i can bring some work home and finish over the weekend. but then another part of me tries to soldier on and think, if i finish this now i won't need to bring my laptop home. these bits and piece of home life during the week are a respite. i cherish my morning lounging; typically i get up around 7, shower, eat breakfast and have coffee while surfing the web for about a half hour. it's just lovely. then i realize i spent too long lounging, and curtail my getting-ready by putting hair up (instead of flatironing) and choosing wrinkle-free clothes (instead of ironing. ironing of the hair & clothing variety both take too long). in the evening, if i must i cook dinner then eat whilst watching a basketball game, or criminal minds. i'll clean up a bit and then lounge on the chaise for, like, ever. there are lists pinging me in the back of my head - read a book! go through your non-urgent mail! do the recycles! hang up clothes! - but usually i just... can't. i can't do it. i need to be a vegetable and watch tv while also web surfing and playing intermittent games of boggle on my iphone. is this life?

i get truly happy sometimes in the morning when the apartment is so well lit by the sun. i am grateful for this beautiful abode, small as it is. we love the street, the neighborhood, the high ceilings. we have each other.

the dreaded mornings. i get so sad in the morning sometimes. just wanting to retreat to my old life of beautiful nothingness when i lived in a simpler city. i really miss my yearning for wellness. i have a hard time grasping it now. i used to love cooking vegetables and now i am so lazy. it's just much harder to get simple things done here.

fb

way to give me a vehicle for constantly comparing myself to others. i use it and am used by it. when i see folks partying with their elite little cliques, traveling to beautiful exotic lands and checking in at fabulous foodie establishments, yes. yes, i feel envious. yes, it is stupid. yes. and yet i continue to play. i admit i do feel satisfied if i can snap a photo of a skyline from a rooftop bbq, or show off a wonderfully fat english bulldog who i am playing with at an exquisite social function. it is stupid, yes. what i really need to do is find ways to constantly humble myself, teach others my philosophies of life, spread generosity and happiness and cheer. humor. love. i need to involve myself in the world without the immaturity of insecurity.

once in a while i get hit with a feeling of inspiration and happiness. it's like a shot. i don't quite know what triggers it. perhaps it's those moments of surprise that make me keep waiting for things to just fall into my lap. i'm so lazy, and when i get squeezed and rolled out to the brink there's just no more oomph to make any effort. so i wait. i'm also oddly impatient. i count pages of a chapter, i count minutes on the treadmill. i long for the chaise, for the internet, for scramble to calgon me away. this must be why i enjoy mysteries (criminal minds, sports shows, 3-minute competitions). i struggle with getting projects done. it's a question of, how do i get my soppy work-drained brain into shape so that i can kickstart in my spare time, and find a way to escape the facade. where is there time for everything? the vegetation helps me keep sane. i don't have the physical energy for exercising all the time. i don't have the mental strength to just read a book for several hours. (or minutes, for that matter). i need to find ways to enjoy the here and now. which means that i need to incorporate inspiration into my work days. if i can do that much, i can enjoy the process.

working for the weekend

we all work for the long weekend. the great thing about the three-day weekend is that you can spread out your vegetation. you see normally, i need one day to do laundry, clean the house and play hours and hours of games. i can't seem to get much else done knowing that is all on the to-do list. but with the three-day weekend i can guiltlessly loaf on a saturday and a sunday, knowing that i can get my act together on monday. over memorial day weekend i usually do wish i had made out-of-town plans. it all too often comes to this. fortunately i had two days of plans - bowling one evening and governors' island another. really i long for the ocean and the open road. what makes me sad is that i am not longing for the healthy cooking like i used to. in my lonely weekend posturing i ate a whole box of flatbread pizza and am ready to break into the chocolate shortly. there is broccoli in the fridge, but the thought of steaming it bores me.

sometimes i wonder, how long will this facade continue? right now i am playing a part, and i am more than tolerating this lifestyle. my job drains me, and i spend twelve hours a day committed to the metro & boulot of it. somehow i accept that my day is eaten up, and that i return home a vegetable. all i can do when i get home is eat and recline. watch mindless tv while surfing the internet. even within the facade, there are gems in my day. just walking through the lush city streets in may, that is my love. that is my soul. the smell of spring and the thick green leaves.