why i still go to depeche mode concerts

i've always been a music fan. all the bands i loved in my formative years had a huge impact on my identity, and i still hold all of those bands in my heart dearly. sounds basic enough. however, when i am in the actual live presence of these bands, i am delighted by the realization that this connection is so extremely special to me.

last night, i saw Depeche Mode for the 8th time since 1990. right, their last SEVERAL albums barely registered in my brain. but still. being in the room with them - in the vast room that accommodates tens of thousands of people - is nothing short of amazing to me. there is Martin Gore, singing and strumming his heart out at age 56. we've done this before, but that's really him. that's the songwriter and artist i have adored for 31 years, who i've thought about nearly every day of my life. whose melodies and voice move me exquisitely. to see him (and, like, barely see him, because i'm not in the front row) makes me an unabashed giddy adorer. so much so that i am shamelessly jumping and screaming and raising my hands in awe.

yes, literally. jumping and screaming and raising my hands, singing. i know all his little backing vocal parts, little gems scattered in the Dave songs. loved seeing him run and jump and dance.

i also love being in this crew of old fans. i love arriving and seeing 45-year-olds dressed in black clothes, old DM tour shirts, showing signs of new wave/goth pasts but with gray hair and practicality thrown in.  there is this wave of togetherness that i can't easily get anywhere else. here are tens of thousands of my comrades who grew up on DM and are so excited to hear them play "Never Let Me Down Again," and who know how to do the hand waving memorialized in 101. Even a new hit like "Home" where we're singing the guitar line in unison. beautiful moments of unity.

i sound like i've drunken some kool-aid, but i don't care. i always felt a tinge of embarrassment at how much i loved DM - they are cheesy, some of the lyrics are utterly sappy and BAD, dave can be annoying but I DON'T CARE. i love them so much. and being with them, rare as it is, allows me to let down my hair and be the DM fan that i am in my heart. thank you boys, for spending the evening entertaining us. xo

i somehow feel inspired after buying those plants. the red pots do a lot for our meager deck. a lot! it's such a little thing but adds a pop, a zing. that rhymes. i like Mari Andrew's approach - you have to do this for everything. add your style to your home. to your cubicle. to your entire being. it's disheartening when i attempt to do this with my appearance but just fall flat.

loving lauren graham's book now. when i read, i become increasingly conscious of how much i haven't yet read. and get a little stressed. however, i do feel good about being into a book, and spending my commute reading. i finished Mari's book the other day. i finish books.

we are so affected by the seasons, aren't we? i find that when summer rolls around i am frantically trying to ensure we have appropriate beach plans. we wind up going to the beach very early on in the season, then become disillusioned by the amount of traffic and hardship involved with schlepping. maybe we should try the mexican resort sometime.

but in the summer, the sun sets late and i am inspired to walk home. to walk more. to eat salads and light foods. maybe imbibe with some rose. light cocktails.

let me tell you what i long for. i read these blogs and those beautiful, rose-colored filters make me wish for a life with a white canvas and natural light, nothing but blissful bowls full of fresh fruit and just-harvested corn - from my own backyard. i want to make my own vinaigrette and serve it outside with friends gathered round, a basket of rolls and some wine to go around. how can we accomplish this? we can, you know.

i want to go for a 3-mile run in the morning, maybe a 5-mile bike ride the next day. decorate my kids' rooms with playful artwork and my own with sophistication. i want lamps for the living room to provide soft lighting. but better fixtures. i want the deck to be useful - for us to meander in and out casually, with screens to block mosquitoes and bees and animals.

i want to go on weekend hikes with the family. pack some sandwiches and rough it. and take pictures on some amazing summit overlooking a river. i want my parents to come over and barbecue with us. heck, let's have neighbors too. let's all gather round.

i want to know how to make clothes. how to augment clothes. this, i feel, is a very lucrative skill to have, especially as a mom. and as a lover of good style.

basically i long for the beauty i feel that i do not have. i am so grateful for the joy my husband and kids bring, but i do feel like there is more.

work/life balance

as a mom
as an urbanite
as an artist
as an introvert

on a daily basis
is it for commiserating, or for advising?

sometimes i want to provide guidance to people who don't know how to take a break,
appreciate the simple things,
find gratitude in the everyday

sometimes i just want to vent about how simple things on my to-do list just never get done. like low-priority jira tickets.

motherhood is a game-changer, of course. this struggle was real before kids. but after. you make a decision to change your lifestyle altogether. your kids are your life.

just a wild list of everything i want to do.

decorate the home
lose some weight
cook better
make the backyard usable
go to pinwheel garden
have dinner with RRF
have dinner with SS
have dinner with NKC
invite UD over

when things are seemingly messed up, i somehow still distance myself knowing i'm not completely accountable. maybe i don't want to be accountable. what is this limbo i relish in? not wanting to be a stay-at-home mom and not wanting all the responsibility in the workplace. i enjoy the escapism of a cubicle, a corporate day life, something to give me identity and pay the bills. to give me my kicks of dressing up, buying clothes, having a commuting routine.

there was one day over the holidays, when it was so empty here, and somehow i got everything done. i don't know how i did it. i made a list of at least 10, maybe 12 things, and they ALL got done. no one interrupted me. i ate lunch.

today i was interrupted several times. i was given task upon task and yet, i still feel so behind at work. i want to know my products better. i tend to mull things over, digest, and that can take too long. i don't know if the mulling can change. all i know is that i need to take action more quickly.

but i was able to accomplish two great things - i went to the gym, and did my usual run even though i was feeling meek and weak. secondly, i went to a lean in mixer that my own company sponsored. love it.

lean in is primarily about gender equality. however i have always associated it with family balance. because men have to lean in too. so, i don't know.

the truth is, my exercise routine isn't enough right now. it's slow. sure i might lose weight over the course of, i don't know, a YEAR, but i need results sooner. i have been hovering around the same weight, give or take 2 lbs, for uhm, forever. i don't know. since last summer?

i've also come to realize that my downtime requirements don't give me much room for anything else. i would maybe start melting down if i didn't give myself the time to veg. what happens though is i never make progress on organizing anything. in a few years the kids will need a little less of my time.

i feel pretty good about the chicken dinner i made last night. when i can improvise sauces it feels like progress. it was a butter herb sauce, probably lacking salt, but was basically just broth and butter. and i cooked the chicken in it which was nice. i should just do that more often.

i kind of want to work through insecurity through writing. like question why am i doing certain things. why do i judge myself.

what am i judging myself about right now?
- so lazy! should be getting more shit done on this day off
- a lot of the same old without getting anything real done

what inferior complex am i indulging?
- looking at thinner women
- women who are doing what they love (cutting hair, making music, going on tour, writing to a lovely fanbase)

do i just sit around and not *do* enough? what the fuck is "enough"? why can't i just ACCEPT. life is kinda hard, not crazy hard, but i can't expect to have a perfect abode if i am working full-time and my husband is working full-time and we have two young kids and i need sleep.

BUT i want to have a home with artwork, i want to be thinner, i want to be cooking, i want to be a famous blogger, a famous musician. a popular friend.

what am i doing in support of feminism? in support of women? in support of myself?

i need to accept myself more. be better about this. look in the mirror and just accept, accept, accept.

how. how do you navigate this world without being competitive?

be the bigger person?

i feel so goddamn competitive. some of it stems from me feeling insecure about myself as a whole. my looks, my speaking abilities, my ideas. i am not confident putting myself out there. especially when i don't know how others feel about me. i develop a confidence over time, a seniority - but here at my new job, i feel like a fish out of water. surrounded by perfectly coiffed ladies, i feel like a slob. with other moms i feel like a little girl. i am 40 and yet i feel like i come off as a young, slightly discombobulated person.

and yet, i can be so utterly competitive and i hate it. wanting to brag, wanting to showcase on social media. how can i just be supportive and humble? where is the balance? i want to be comfortable in my own skin, but also open and supportive, especially to other women.

like some melancholy melody

i'm reading all about hygge, and maybe there is some element of hygge in cubicle living. does that sound totally oxymoronic? but no, sometimes i feel completely safe and cozy in this strange corporate environment. perhaps another level of hygge. cubiclehygge.

i'm reading about hygge, it's a word that entered my vernacular sometime last year (?) but it's been a scandinavian concept for 200+ years. i'm getting it now. it's not merely coziness. you can be cozy by yourself. hygge is something i adore. it's a christmas gathering with friends, complete with wine, warmth, cakes, laughter. maybe even candles. the camaraderie aspect is key. i need hygge with my husband. my family. it's nourishing for an introvert.

so i'm reading about it because some other woman brought it up recently, this woman who i kind of think is so cool and put together and wish i could be like and wish liked me more and wanted to be my friend. i get the feeling that she doesn't want to be my friend, that she thinks i'm kind of shallow and dumb. but, that's all projection, who knows. she's busy and has routines. actually i wondered if she had post-partum depression. again, projection. sheesh. am i like the most insecure person ever? why the need for so much validation?

how to feel bien dans ma peau? that, maybe, is the question of the year.

it isn't a competition. it's about forming a unit with all the other women out there.