i waffle when considering what i want my "real" blog to focus on. i can only write about that which i feel passionately about. much of the time, that is the feeling of being trapped in a cubicle, wishing to escape. it is a bit melodramatic because this is a white person problem, i'm making good money and should just grin and bear it. but the lessons we learn nowadays instruct us to follow our dreams, do what you love, and that theoretically can mean quitting your good paying job [in which you do useless stuff] in order to do things that are either a) more rewarding b) help others or c) both, ideally.

i do want to help people, but in a selfish capacity. i want people to love me in the process. i want them to eat up my writing. that's pretty vain.

there's a fragility to life that i sometimes can't bear to look at. i feel it at times, sometimes when i am trying to meditate and up creeps this horrific viral thought about the fragility of everything. i can't even go there.

is it wrong to not communicate the delicacy i observe in the day to day? to let my parents know that my heart bursts with love knowing that they have fostered a relationship with my son. that they love him like he is their own son. that they spend hours upon hours with him in these formative years.

is it wrong to not want to just be, everyday? why must we perpetuate this monotonous workday when we could be enjoying life? the world must continue to go around, but can't we make our work more relevant to our lives?

cosmic bliss. sometimes it happens, the combination of weather and some sort of art form, be it music, a movie, a book. that is happening to me now. i can't express how much i adore diiv. their music is so intoxicating to me right now. and it suits this warm weather that is sweeping through. something so blissful, blinding, heavenly perfection.

the thing is, i tend to hate anything nugaze - but this somehow transcends the norm. even though there's not much really new about it. i don't get it. i just love it so much.

this dreamy sort of nostalgic sound it has. people hated coming to work today but i loved it. i was so elated, so happy that i had a wonderful weekend with my family, that my little guy got to run around under the sun, that i rode my bike and that i know these songs, these beautiful songs, i can't even make out the words at times, but that never mattered to me. ideas, pieces of wonder, lovely shards of beauty.

this isn't so much about the corporate world except that i have to say, i didn't mind my long workday too much because of the wonderful weather. and this cosmic bliss i guess.

spring feels different this year because the little guy appreciates the great outdoors more. last year, he was a newborn and not quite aware of his surroundings. this year, if he hears us even mention that we're going out, he runs over to his shoes and tries to pry open the front door. walking outside, he doesn't quite want to walk in one direction. he enjoys looking around, and walking a bit this way and that way. this type of walking is best suited for parks and doesn't fare so well on narrow city sidewalks.

the other night, we ate outdoors and he was facing the passersby. he was absolutely elated about it. looking at us excitedly it was as though he was commending us for such a great idea, this al fresco dinner.

work calls to us on sundays. hello, i am coming up fast. a full work week. hello, you. enjoy your free time while you can. i'll be back before you know it.

truthfully, i can surf the web for hours upon hours everyday. i crave knowledge, i want to know so many things. there are too many things available at our fingertips now - things that don't concern me, will never help me. yet information is something i want to consume so constantly. i get this same feeling in bookstores and libraries - marveling at the sheer enormity of knowledge in front of me. but there is something so much more grand about a library of course - the history, the aged tomes in their respective spaces, librarians who can guide you. the internet on the other hand is like endless fields, rolling plains, you can get sucked in everywhere and anywhere.

you feel this obligation to know about news. world news, local news, tech news, trends, sensationalism, pop culture. so much to keep up with. i also want to wikipedia everything under the sun - new actors, check up on actors i've read up on many times, tv show plots. yesterday i read the entire synopsis of the HIMYM series during my commute, all the way up to the series finale. i sometimes don't mind finding out the ending like that, but i was left with a feeling of "i want to watch the series just so i can experience that ending organically." does it really matter?

life is so short, and we fill it with so much filler. the norm is so much filler. and expensive gadgets. and expensive lifestyle. here i am with my numerous laptops, iphones, tablets, drinking a $5 coffee. ridick to the say the least.

i long to write for others, to others. write so that people can enjoy the melody of my words. that is what i enjoy. i enjoy affirmation. is that vain or sad? i'm not much of a motivational speaker but i have motivations that i try to convey, with the written word. got to get back to that.

i'm somewhat inspired by my newfound interest in running in the morning. and also i felt like strumming the guitar last night. things will surprise you, just like the little guy sleeping without the need for milk.