let me envision an ideal little life.

we live in a house. it isn't attached to any other living spaces, it is a house with at least 3 bedrooms, a lot of sunlight, a backyard, convenient parking, some hardwood floors. ethan can cry to his hearts' content without waking any neighbors.

i can try my hand at growing herbs, maybe even vegetables. ethan practices crawling in the backyard. i have a piano again, a real acoustic one and not an electric one. i also have space for my guitar amp, recording apparatuses, etc. josh has office space.

our kitchen is inviting, and we have everything from our juicer to our food processor to our espresso maker sitting right there on the counter. we have a griddle for weekend pancakes.

i wake up and do yoga. i have breakfast and play with ethan. later in the morning i go for a run.

i make lunch. ethan and i picnic in the backyard, maybe go for a little stroll.

in the afternoon i work on my blog. i go to a cafe or write in my office, i also go out for inspiration.

ethan and i go to the farmers market to get fresh veggies and fruit and bread. i go home and cook a fresh dinner. we have friends over. we have wine. i play piano.

ethan goes to sleep. we continue the evening having some wine and dessert.

sleep and on to the next beautiful day.

is there some sort of romance in envy? i read some beautiful blogs and wistfully wish i could be as crafty and creative as some of these amazing women whose lives i follow. sure, i could be reading through rose-tinted browsers but still. yes, i would love to design websites for small business owners with cute products. yes, i would love to get paid to write about baby products. yes, i wish i could create hairstyles and make video tutorials for them. yes, there are things i can do too. but i A) don't do them and B) belittle them.

there is something dreamy about being in these shoes. being...well, the dreamer. stuck in a meaningless job that pays the bills, wishing for something beautifuller. the thing is, i did the bold thing once - i ditched this corporate wasteland for greener pastures. where did it leave me? absolutely refreshed for a long time, inspired, in love with the very air i lived in because it smelled so much cleaner and freer. ultimately however, i got freakin bored and longed for the crowded metropolis whose pulse is always ahead.

there are ways to make it work here. they are harder than in other places. especially being that i am 36 and haven't built up the freelance life that could help in this situation. it's not like i haven't had the time to do so. i just need to admit that it wasn't meant to be that way.

now with a little guy in my life, i don't have the luxury of spare time to figure those things out. but, i have to make time and figure it out. take care of the boy and take care of me. take care of my family.

while you were sleeping (2)

i work from home about once a week and my reasoning is so that i can spend some more time with the little one.

but really, that is only half of the motive. really, i also want to catch up on the house and life. i have a hard time leaving the house awry and certain things (baby laundry and bottle washing) just have to get done. it is weird being in the house all by myself.

it sounds like he is waking up after a very very long rest - over 11 hours. i worry like a mama but this is actually good; he's "supposed" to get around 14 hours of sleep a day at minimum, and i think this active young buck averages somewhere around 12 usually. ok, time to feed the big guy.

while you were sleeping

i miss the baby so much sometimes, while i'm at work. i try to eat in the last few minutes before i go to work in the morning and i stare at his pictures in the privacy of the mommy room. and yet, i find myself craving old comforts when i am home with him. he's a handful. my old life is gone. he's worth it, but i do miss some things.

- roaming around manhattan in the summertime, drinking dizzying cocktails in the warm night
- brooklyn abuzz in the summer, eating outdoors in cobble hill restaurants
- bicycling through brooklyn heights and dumbo
- spontaneous shopping sprees
- cooking to my heart's content
- watching movies

i don't want to feel stuck at all, that's not what having a baby is supposed to do. instead i need to remember that i want to give this baby the best days that i can, and i want to love him and play with him and show him the world. i shouldn't be afraid to do what i must in order to find that parenting/ life balance. today, i got a pedicure and did some shopping. i always try to sneak in some chores.

he's napping now, bless his soul. i always want him to nap. is that bad? there's so much to do around the house. i have a hard time just letting the house get messy knowing that we're raising our baby in a messy house. got to wash his sheets, sterilize bottles, etc.

i don't want to neglect myself either though. i need to resume healthy eating and find some time to exercise. outdoor yoga sounds about right to me.

return.

i haven't worked in 12 weeks, and haven't been to the office in 4 months. how am i supposed to transition back? life is going to be so different. it's been so different for a long time now, and i'm scared of how busy things will become. sleep has been a bit spotty, even though we're back on the 7-hour stretches. mornings will be busy, then i'll be immersed in the trivial work i care nothing about.

what i'll miss:
- early, tiny smiles in the morning
- baby yoga
- neighborhood strolls
- family time
- a lot of fun tv, movies and games

what i look forward to:
- daily dose of nyc
- quiet time on the bus
- dressing up
- seeing people on a regular basis
- good food in the city

i admit i do feel refreshed and ready to kickstart the next chapter of this job, what with the new promotion. it's a clean slate. but. i care little about the work and just wish i had more time with the little one.

wfh

since i am working from home, there's no reason i shouldn't take advantage of its perks. why stay glued to my desk, especially if i don't have any deliverables or calls? really i just need to be available and responsive. i have a laptop and a mobile phone; this means that it's perfectly fine to make pancakes on a thursday as folks roll into the office.

our kitchen has a small side bar where i can rest my laptop and phone; email, IM and phone all have sound on, so i don't miss anything as i whisk together first my dry, then wet ingredients. i decided to use two pans today (we don't yet have a griddle) to speed things up. my husband has two pancakes, i have three (for the baby of course). blueberry buttermilk pancakes, from scratch - they're a favorite of mine these days.

i truly didn't miss anything... one colleague IMd just to see how i'm doing. there's so much waiting around in between real work. i appreciate our digital world, how we can function virtually when needed. but that world is not fine-tuned, and so i do find it detrimental to be disconnected for long periods of time. i much prefer human contact when discussing projects. there are subtleties easily lost over conference bridges and toneless email.

i really wish we were doing more for humanity though.