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way to give me a vehicle for constantly comparing myself to others. i use it and am used by it. when i see folks partying with their elite little cliques, traveling to beautiful exotic lands and checking in at fabulous foodie establishments, yes. yes, i feel envious. yes, it is stupid. yes. and yet i continue to play. i admit i do feel satisfied if i can snap a photo of a skyline from a rooftop bbq, or show off a wonderfully fat english bulldog who i am playing with at an exquisite social function. it is stupid, yes. what i really need to do is find ways to constantly humble myself, teach others my philosophies of life, spread generosity and happiness and cheer. humor. love. i need to involve myself in the world without the immaturity of insecurity.

once in a while i get hit with a feeling of inspiration and happiness. it's like a shot. i don't quite know what triggers it. perhaps it's those moments of surprise that make me keep waiting for things to just fall into my lap. i'm so lazy, and when i get squeezed and rolled out to the brink there's just no more oomph to make any effort. so i wait. i'm also oddly impatient. i count pages of a chapter, i count minutes on the treadmill. i long for the chaise, for the internet, for scramble to calgon me away. this must be why i enjoy mysteries (criminal minds, sports shows, 3-minute competitions). i struggle with getting projects done. it's a question of, how do i get my soppy work-drained brain into shape so that i can kickstart in my spare time, and find a way to escape the facade. where is there time for everything? the vegetation helps me keep sane. i don't have the physical energy for exercising all the time. i don't have the mental strength to just read a book for several hours. (or minutes, for that matter). i need to find ways to enjoy the here and now. which means that i need to incorporate inspiration into my work days. if i can do that much, i can enjoy the process.

working for the weekend

we all work for the long weekend. the great thing about the three-day weekend is that you can spread out your vegetation. you see normally, i need one day to do laundry, clean the house and play hours and hours of games. i can't seem to get much else done knowing that is all on the to-do list. but with the three-day weekend i can guiltlessly loaf on a saturday and a sunday, knowing that i can get my act together on monday. over memorial day weekend i usually do wish i had made out-of-town plans. it all too often comes to this. fortunately i had two days of plans - bowling one evening and governors' island another. really i long for the ocean and the open road. what makes me sad is that i am not longing for the healthy cooking like i used to. in my lonely weekend posturing i ate a whole box of flatbread pizza and am ready to break into the chocolate shortly. there is broccoli in the fridge, but the thought of steaming it bores me.

sometimes i wonder, how long will this facade continue? right now i am playing a part, and i am more than tolerating this lifestyle. my job drains me, and i spend twelve hours a day committed to the metro & boulot of it. somehow i accept that my day is eaten up, and that i return home a vegetable. all i can do when i get home is eat and recline. watch mindless tv while surfing the internet. even within the facade, there are gems in my day. just walking through the lush city streets in may, that is my love. that is my soul. the smell of spring and the thick green leaves.