i often question my own competence in the workplace. the problem is that i really don't care enough about the work, when you get down to it. i care about doing a good job and being a good manager for my team, but i have no true passion in the actual projects. and that lack of passion is what will prevent me from investing more of my soul into the work.

i do want to cut myself some slack regarding the competence question though. yesterday we had a lovely end-of-year happy hour with the team and the one guy who is leaving. it was really pleasant and i'm happy to be working with these people. i care about my team and worry about hovering too much (which i might get from my doting mother). i try to keep my distance and not micro manage. i try to only butt in when i see recurring issues. i meet with them regularly to touch base and ask questions that my manager doesn't ask of me. i try to remain human with them. humanity is important to me in the workplace (it doesn't seem important to some other folks).

as i get closer and closer to motherhood, i wonder how much patience i will have for the corporate workplace. yes it gives me the means to support my family, but its lack of meaningfulness will be absolutely more dreary next to the joy of tending to my offspring.

five days away from the office makes me absolutely elated. just that one day of working from home (monday, xmas eve, a short day), makes the hugest difference. i am excited to cozy up at my parents' house.

as weary as i am about this corporate existence, there are such pockets of goodness within. i am grateful for that. some things i like include:
- chatting with people around the office - this has gotten warmer now and lovelier now that i have been with the company for 2.5 years
- palling around with my team
- having a buddy to sneak off for tea with
- delighting in free food
- complimenting the team on work well done
- promoting and rewarding people
- belonging to a group
- having a window looking out over nyc
- being surrounded by culture in nyc

it's not all bad stuff all day long. that's what keeps me going.

i get so excited about spare time. i can't get enough of it. no obligations, pure potentiality. it's something i savor greatly. so on a day like today, when i am tending to my sore throat like a good pregnant woman (i probably would not have stayed home were i not withchild), i couldn't succumb to naps. i had to make the most of the waking hours spent in my cozy abode. i mainly did restful things, but tried to be productive at it. this is what i did:
- ate a healthy breakfast
- called the electric company to figure out a billing issue
- paid bills
- watched gilmore girls
- played lots of iphone boggle
- spent time on facebook and online surfing
- ate healthy leftovers (tons of spinach)
- drank 7 glasses of water, one glass of juice and one glass of decaf
- made brownies
- finished the basketball book finally

not bad. i plan to watch the blazer game and then sleep early.

there is guilt about calling in sick. isn't that dumb? hmm, whose life is this - mine or my workplace's? it's a busy time of year and one of my team is out, but that doesn't mean i need to sacrifice my health. like i said, this baby kept me home. i'm glad i stayed home and barely checked my email. i needed this rest, both physically and mentally.

this week was long and brutal, namely because we all enjoyed a decadent 4-day thanksgiving  break, complete with food, merriment, warmth and much rest. i got comfortable in that little break. i could have just gone on for a long time doing what we did. we even spent a night at my parents' house, oh so cozy, eating leftovers and dozing while watching the games.

it was a brutal week at work, busy and bustling. there is change happening and my boss was clearly ruffled, and his stresses only add to my stresses. it is so unhealthy, the effects of a cold boss on an employee. i suffered mild psychological distress from my previous boss (who traumatized troops for years before i got there), and while this new one has been mainly hands off and great, his coldness certainly clouded the early part of my week. i guess i care what they think of me. i don't do well without a little indirect feedback. a mood, a look of concern - these things have a huge affect on my overall outlook and confidence. but the thing is, i don't even care about this work very much, so why should this affect bother me? i know - i'm human. and in an inhuman environment perhaps.

are the corporate gods trying to tell me something? first i ran into my former SVP at a subway station and we rode two stops together. after my disheartening week with my boss, i was oddly comforted by this brief conversation with my former SVP. was it her mild but tough confidence in me that lifted my spirits? also the feminine touch - as unemotional as she can be i think i miss her strong feminine presence in our division. she's very edgy and cool, and i think i sort of admire the way she maintains that in her corporate world.

and THEN last night i rode the elevator with my CEO. just me and the CEO of this huge organization that employs thousands of people. as he approached the elevator banks he could tell i recognized him and so he chatted warmly which i appreciated. the same with my EVP, there is a certain people skill that comes through where they know how to respectfully communicate with you attentively, make you feel on par with them, listen brightly and extend warmth. it's stupid but i felt a bit starstruck and later i wished i had talked up myself and my team a bit more. and i second guessed what i said to him. but all in all he was very nice and it was a cool encounter.

i liked these encounters with humanity. maybe the corporate gods are trying to tell me that it's not all corporate ladders - that there is humanity i can embrace in this surreal office life. the problem is that i would rather be investing my blood, sweat & tears into efforts that boost the soul. this corporate life just doesn't equate to that.