i often question my own competence in the workplace. the problem is that i really don't care enough about the work, when you get down to it. i care about doing a good job and being a good manager for my team, but i have no true passion in the actual projects. and that lack of passion is what will prevent me from investing more of my soul into the work.

i do want to cut myself some slack regarding the competence question though. yesterday we had a lovely end-of-year happy hour with the team and the one guy who is leaving. it was really pleasant and i'm happy to be working with these people. i care about my team and worry about hovering too much (which i might get from my doting mother). i try to keep my distance and not micro manage. i try to only butt in when i see recurring issues. i meet with them regularly to touch base and ask questions that my manager doesn't ask of me. i try to remain human with them. humanity is important to me in the workplace (it doesn't seem important to some other folks).

as i get closer and closer to motherhood, i wonder how much patience i will have for the corporate workplace. yes it gives me the means to support my family, but its lack of meaningfulness will be absolutely more dreary next to the joy of tending to my offspring.