what gets me is managing challenging people. i guess that's why i'm paid the big bucks. i'm not confrontational by nature, so having to deal with people's sometimes defiant attitudes is not my cup of tea. sure, it stretches me and teaches me valuable life skills. but, is it worth the big bucks? is 40 hours a week (+10 commuting) really worth the big bucks?

if i didn't make the big bucks, we wouldn't be able to live this lifestyle. we'd have to live somewhere else, and eat out a whole lot less, and entertain ourselves at home. doesn't sound too awful. we visited friends last weekend who have a beautiful home, who grow vegetables and sit on the porch and cook lovely family meals. doesn't sound too awful. we make a lot of money but we really don't need all of it for what we enjoy. we could do well in a different setting.

when i am utterly unmotivated, i struggle with tasks. i am better with busy work, awful at other stuff that i can procrastinate. what can help in this situation? aside from perusing jcrew factory sales, modcloth shoes, mommy blogs and facebook?

making lists works pretty well for me. i love making lists, so if i incorporate this act that i enjoy, i can somehow trudge through this work that just needs to get done.

i love writing in journals. i've begun doing this in OneNote to get through ideas and stuff that needs to get sorted out.

incorporate things i enjoy. things other than fashion, chocolate and IMing with friends. i get so annoyed when friends are too busy to IM. but you know what? we don't get paid the big bucks to IM.

allergies surely put a damper on my motivation. if i wasn't so sneezy, i'd be reaching out more confidently. instead i find it awkward to speak, both because my nose is bubbly and runny, and also because my enunciation is awkwardly impacted by my stuffy nose.

but it's sunny and warm, and springy, and i just want to frolic, as always. i was robbed of my weekend, i want to enjoy it more fully. i shouldn't complain. it wasn't too bad, i spent some great time with the boy in parks, he napped, i saw acquaintances and their babies, i did some much-needed cleanup/organization, it was beautiful out. i love just strolling with him and seeing sights and smiling at people.

i get overcome with these feelings of wanting to do everything in the world. read books, see movies, go to museums, take the littlun to parks. exercise, cook. the world is your oyster, teach kindness to everyone and give back in multitude.

when the sun is shining and the air is sweet with spring warmth, i just want to do everything in the world except focus on work. i can trudge through a day, even if trudging means providing constructive feedback to my staff, or interviewing new candidates, or fighting for my team in a requirements meeting, or trying to sound serious on a conference call. i put care into my work, sure. but do i really want to be here? no.

if i could do anything right now, i would:
- babysit for my dear friend who is going through grief
- run through the park with my son
- frolic in the park with my son and my parents
- host a barbecue
- grill leeks
- get my haircut
- go for a run
- go get my foot checked
- buy gifts for everyone i know

when it comes to music, when i find music i like made by people who live near me, or are my age, i am both elated and jealous. jealous because, why am i not doing that myself? why am i not out in the music world making songs for the world? i've never quite found the right team to work with, was never good at the search. the industry.

for a while it was diiv, and lately it is santigold. i love her combination of synth, dance beats, and sometimes bittersweet melodies. and her fashion sense. there is something ugly about high fashion at times, and it is ugly in an enticing and beautiful way if that makes sense! prints that don't match are suddenly gorgeously refreshing when done right. in one video, santigold wears floral pants with matching floral shoes and a black/white tube top. it somehow works, looks effortless and modern, and awesome.

i am happy just listening to music, walking in the spring air. i could be happier if i was making music or writing with an audience. i could be happier if i didn't have to spend so much time in Outlook, Powerpoint, and managing people and projects that are not contributing to the world nor to my personal development. OK that's not entirely true - my soul is benefiting from my interactions and projects. but it does mostly suck.

i waffle when considering what i want my "real" blog to focus on. i can only write about that which i feel passionately about. much of the time, that is the feeling of being trapped in a cubicle, wishing to escape. it is a bit melodramatic because this is a white person problem, i'm making good money and should just grin and bear it. but the lessons we learn nowadays instruct us to follow our dreams, do what you love, and that theoretically can mean quitting your good paying job [in which you do useless stuff] in order to do things that are either a) more rewarding b) help others or c) both, ideally.

i do want to help people, but in a selfish capacity. i want people to love me in the process. i want them to eat up my writing. that's pretty vain.

there's a fragility to life that i sometimes can't bear to look at. i feel it at times, sometimes when i am trying to meditate and up creeps this horrific viral thought about the fragility of everything. i can't even go there.

is it wrong to not communicate the delicacy i observe in the day to day? to let my parents know that my heart bursts with love knowing that they have fostered a relationship with my son. that they love him like he is their own son. that they spend hours upon hours with him in these formative years.

is it wrong to not want to just be, everyday? why must we perpetuate this monotonous workday when we could be enjoying life? the world must continue to go around, but can't we make our work more relevant to our lives?

cosmic bliss. sometimes it happens, the combination of weather and some sort of art form, be it music, a movie, a book. that is happening to me now. i can't express how much i adore diiv. their music is so intoxicating to me right now. and it suits this warm weather that is sweeping through. something so blissful, blinding, heavenly perfection.

the thing is, i tend to hate anything nugaze - but this somehow transcends the norm. even though there's not much really new about it. i don't get it. i just love it so much.

this dreamy sort of nostalgic sound it has. people hated coming to work today but i loved it. i was so elated, so happy that i had a wonderful weekend with my family, that my little guy got to run around under the sun, that i rode my bike and that i know these songs, these beautiful songs, i can't even make out the words at times, but that never mattered to me. ideas, pieces of wonder, lovely shards of beauty.

this isn't so much about the corporate world except that i have to say, i didn't mind my long workday too much because of the wonderful weather. and this cosmic bliss i guess.

spring feels different this year because the little guy appreciates the great outdoors more. last year, he was a newborn and not quite aware of his surroundings. this year, if he hears us even mention that we're going out, he runs over to his shoes and tries to pry open the front door. walking outside, he doesn't quite want to walk in one direction. he enjoys looking around, and walking a bit this way and that way. this type of walking is best suited for parks and doesn't fare so well on narrow city sidewalks.

the other night, we ate outdoors and he was facing the passersby. he was absolutely elated about it. looking at us excitedly it was as though he was commending us for such a great idea, this al fresco dinner.

work calls to us on sundays. hello, i am coming up fast. a full work week. hello, you. enjoy your free time while you can. i'll be back before you know it.

truthfully, i can surf the web for hours upon hours everyday. i crave knowledge, i want to know so many things. there are too many things available at our fingertips now - things that don't concern me, will never help me. yet information is something i want to consume so constantly. i get this same feeling in bookstores and libraries - marveling at the sheer enormity of knowledge in front of me. but there is something so much more grand about a library of course - the history, the aged tomes in their respective spaces, librarians who can guide you. the internet on the other hand is like endless fields, rolling plains, you can get sucked in everywhere and anywhere.

you feel this obligation to know about news. world news, local news, tech news, trends, sensationalism, pop culture. so much to keep up with. i also want to wikipedia everything under the sun - new actors, check up on actors i've read up on many times, tv show plots. yesterday i read the entire synopsis of the HIMYM series during my commute, all the way up to the series finale. i sometimes don't mind finding out the ending like that, but i was left with a feeling of "i want to watch the series just so i can experience that ending organically." does it really matter?

life is so short, and we fill it with so much filler. the norm is so much filler. and expensive gadgets. and expensive lifestyle. here i am with my numerous laptops, iphones, tablets, drinking a $5 coffee. ridick to the say the least.

i long to write for others, to others. write so that people can enjoy the melody of my words. that is what i enjoy. i enjoy affirmation. is that vain or sad? i'm not much of a motivational speaker but i have motivations that i try to convey, with the written word. got to get back to that.

i'm somewhat inspired by my newfound interest in running in the morning. and also i felt like strumming the guitar last night. things will surprise you, just like the little guy sleeping without the need for milk.

this is a journal.

surprisingly, i don't completely mourn the loss of my livejournal. i had it for over 10 years and had read the whole thing cover to cover numerous times. i cherished that naivete of my early 20s, the excitement of the future and so many new opportunities, so many worlds to dabble in. i miss that voice. i used to analyze to my heart's content and it kept me afloat. the dreaminess of it all. i still carry some wistfulness with me where i walk, but life doesn't have as much room for it anymore.

i really want to have a blog, a full blown blog to speak to the "masses" with. i need that outlet. i don't even know how to get started though. wordpress just baffles me. i feel stupid trying to maneuver around it. i need to contract the me from 2001 to help get me started. i adored the livejournal community, how we would read each other's writing and comment on each other's stories. with mostly strangers. it was so liberating.

i think having that outlet will do wonders for me. i just need to decide how frank i will be. how much i want to reveal. i feel passionate about living truly and not being stuck in a job, so how can i stick myself out there when i am an Associate Director at a corporation? my goal would be to have a blog, and comment on other blogs in an effort to advertise my blog. because what i have here is just a journal, not a blog.

i will try to capture that journal essence though, that is my forte. stick with what you know: dreaminess.

from within

it gives me great satisfaction to pen an entry from inside the workplace, in a conference room, in the middle of this soulless job. it gives me a sense of self. i'm still me, this little voice of consciousness reaching out through the physical world, like the homunculus. wow, homunculus. i'm pleasantly surprised when i can conjure up random big words like that - makes me still feel smart.

i long to learn and live smartly, but instead i veer towards mindlessness. and that shouldn't surprise me, because i spend hours of each workday doing things i care little about. sometimes i think we need to make the most of our situation, and find things to care about. other times i look around and see people make it doing other things - blogging, making jewelry, running a cafe - and think, wtf, why am i committing so much time here. ok the pay is undeniable. no way could i be a blogger and make enough to support myself in this city. those people have got to have trust funds.

i want to re-focus on the basics. health, wellness. i don't want to let my current health issues set me back. if i need surgery and other treatment then so be it. but tomorrow, i want to go running. i want to eat fresh vegetables and good meat. i'm reading the Omnivore's Dilemma and it's wretched. i want my son to eat the best food he can. if he can skip out on chicken nuggets his entire life, that would be phenomenal.

the weather certainly helps. once it gets warmer i'll want to spend time outside. but lately, i feel like i have low energy levels, and i'm gaining weight, and i'm generally blah. if i spend so much blah time at work, i want to make my non-work time as blah-free as can be. as blah-free as can be: a mantra for today's working woman.

the pros and the cons.

pros:
good money
flexible hours
no overtime

cons:
manage a big group
lots of politics
lots of broken things
don't care about this business

i'm trapped. if i want to live in our neighborhood, i need to continue making what i make now. if i stay at this job, i need to start doing impressive shit. i'm getting by decently but this low radar thing isn't going to last much longer. if i find a new job, i'll probably need to work crazy hours to prove myself and earn my privileges. but if i could find a job that allows me flex time and is rewarding, that would be ideal.

do i even want to work past the politics? how do i do that?

do i take on more work and more responsibility at a job i dislike, with a team i am tired of, in a career i don't care for? with no promotion or raise? sounds like a no-brainer.

they brainwash you into thinking this is an amazing opportunity to grow and stretch yourself. what does it get me? a potential promotion NEXT YEAR, a big raise NEXT YEAR, more stress, possible overtime and weekend work, less time with my son, more time spent doing soul-sucking bullshit. sounds like a no-brainer.

why am i even considering this? only because our bills are high, we have a child to support, we live in this expensive town.

what would i rather do? if money wasn't a concern?
- blogger SAHM
- community work
- music-related work
- health & fitness-related work

i really just want to write and get paid for it. and i want to write my own blog. something related to generosity, wellness, mindful living, zen, balancing it all in a city.

today i just couldn't deal. i had originally considered working in the office but was so blah that i just undocked and packed it up. today i didn't even sit at a desk. what did i do during work hours? i sat on my bed and stared at lists. i did a bunch of thinking. i outlined, drew charts in my notebook. answered some emails.

i IMd. i cooked rice. i visited the little boy. i cooked lunch and ate it while the little guy ate his lunch. i bundled him up and ergo'd him to the grocery store when he wouldn't take a nap. and you know what? he napped. i gave my mom a nice little almost-2-hours of quiet. i looked for jobs, i read FB and gossip sites. i stopped to play some games on my phone. i watched n's latest animated cartoon.

my job is getting to the point where i am not outputting a lot of tangible evidence. legitimately so, because i am no longer hands-on. and it's a struggle to prove productivity to myself, let alone to my colleagues. it's hard. i am sloughing along but it feels awful, like a big joke, and my boss knows i have time on my hands.

i need to recognize more fully that the lack of tangibility is OK. but, i also need to forge more strategic campaigns if i want to thrive here. and you know, of course i don't care enough to thrive here, so it's this vicious little circle. i don't care, but i want to seem like i care enough, but i am certainly not up for a big challenge to get me promoted because i don't care. i aim to do well with my team and with my expected duties, but forget it if i have to work extra hours at this job i don't care about. ugh.

stuck

i navigate felt wall dividers, bland carpet and single-cup coffee machines seeking sanity. give me life, home for 8 hours a day! between emails i crave conversation, a few IMs about nothing, a huddle room haven where reality tv is on the agenda. let me veg my brains out. i will milk the system, i must. you don't pay me enough to give up my identity. i get my work done and i now struggle but hopefully still succeed at doing a great job. treading water, everyday i attempt a profit of productivity.

it's a plague in this city, an epidemic. i want to reject it, but it pays me too much to just leave. and so i dance. i spin, and twirl, and pirouette to the tune of this corporate blah, an anthem for doldrums, a monotonous anti-cacophony, ennui. i speak the language and forge the political campaigns. i build silly little class projects.

my salary allows me to pay for the $11 salads i consume, and the lost metrocards i replace all too often, and the takeout we order because i'm too tired to cook or too busy working to buy groceries. i get to see my little boy for a couple hours a day, because mommy is making the big bucks, taking melancholy trains home with frowning, pouting people.

admittedly i have a knack for finding little joys during these hours. it seems taboo but i do. if i'm going to reside in this jail camp, i am going to do the bare minimum, try not to look it, steal moments for myself, remember what camaraderie is about. and collect the big paycheck to fund our rent that has thus far surpassed the cost of my childhood home. the cultural benefits of this city are now sort of occasional, infrequent. i get by on peripheral doses.

and sadly, forget how to stay true to my core habits. the wellness i cultivated out west. the great mental clarity i had in my 20s. i long to rejoice, not recoil. to live now, and always now, and not just for those moments i can piece together.