the truth is, my exercise routine isn't enough right now. it's slow. sure i might lose weight over the course of, i don't know, a YEAR, but i need results sooner. i have been hovering around the same weight, give or take 2 lbs, for uhm, forever. i don't know. since last summer?

i've also come to realize that my downtime requirements don't give me much room for anything else. i would maybe start melting down if i didn't give myself the time to veg. what happens though is i never make progress on organizing anything. in a few years the kids will need a little less of my time.

i feel pretty good about the chicken dinner i made last night. when i can improvise sauces it feels like progress. it was a butter herb sauce, probably lacking salt, but was basically just broth and butter. and i cooked the chicken in it which was nice. i should just do that more often.

i kind of want to work through insecurity through writing. like question why am i doing certain things. why do i judge myself.

what am i judging myself about right now?
- so lazy! should be getting more shit done on this day off
- a lot of the same old without getting anything real done

what inferior complex am i indulging?
- looking at thinner women
- women who are doing what they love (cutting hair, making music, going on tour, writing to a lovely fanbase)

do i just sit around and not *do* enough? what the fuck is "enough"? why can't i just ACCEPT. life is kinda hard, not crazy hard, but i can't expect to have a perfect abode if i am working full-time and my husband is working full-time and we have two young kids and i need sleep.

BUT i want to have a home with artwork, i want to be thinner, i want to be cooking, i want to be a famous blogger, a famous musician. a popular friend.

what am i doing in support of feminism? in support of women? in support of myself?

i need to accept myself more. be better about this. look in the mirror and just accept, accept, accept.

how. how do you navigate this world without being competitive?

be the bigger person?

i feel so goddamn competitive. some of it stems from me feeling insecure about myself as a whole. my looks, my speaking abilities, my ideas. i am not confident putting myself out there. especially when i don't know how others feel about me. i develop a confidence over time, a seniority - but here at my new job, i feel like a fish out of water. surrounded by perfectly coiffed ladies, i feel like a slob. with other moms i feel like a little girl. i am 40 and yet i feel like i come off as a young, slightly discombobulated person.

and yet, i can be so utterly competitive and i hate it. wanting to brag, wanting to showcase on social media. how can i just be supportive and humble? where is the balance? i want to be comfortable in my own skin, but also open and supportive, especially to other women.

like some melancholy melody

i'm reading all about hygge, and maybe there is some element of hygge in cubicle living. does that sound totally oxymoronic? but no, sometimes i feel completely safe and cozy in this strange corporate environment. perhaps another level of hygge. cubiclehygge.

i'm reading about hygge, it's a word that entered my vernacular sometime last year (?) but it's been a scandinavian concept for 200+ years. i'm getting it now. it's not merely coziness. you can be cozy by yourself. hygge is something i adore. it's a christmas gathering with friends, complete with wine, warmth, cakes, laughter. maybe even candles. the camaraderie aspect is key. i need hygge with my husband. my family. it's nourishing for an introvert.

so i'm reading about it because some other woman brought it up recently, this woman who i kind of think is so cool and put together and wish i could be like and wish liked me more and wanted to be my friend. i get the feeling that she doesn't want to be my friend, that she thinks i'm kind of shallow and dumb. but, that's all projection, who knows. she's busy and has routines. actually i wondered if she had post-partum depression. again, projection. sheesh. am i like the most insecure person ever? why the need for so much validation?

how to feel bien dans ma peau? that, maybe, is the question of the year.

it isn't a competition. it's about forming a unit with all the other women out there.