a city of fools

i now partake in this parade of buses twice a day, shuttling through the tunnel and onto clogged paths leading to a dark dropoff point. a very inhuman depot, the bus terminal has barely any pavement and seems a milder flavor of train tubes. it can't be healthy for the dispatchers who stand amidst the smog for hours on end. sometimes i wait up to 20 minutes for the right bus, watching business folk run and futz with their phones as they make their journeys home to life.

it just seems foolish to me, let's make lots of money so we can afford to live in this expensive city and have only a few hours a day to enjoy life. this expensive city comes with stress, and so those few hours are often spent decompressing from the stress. and any dreams of pursuing hobbies such as baking pies or reading long novels just simply goes down the drain because who has time or mental energy to do that.

i love this apartment, i love being near old friends and family. i love the diversity and the fast pace. but what i do not love is the fear of leaving income behind and not knowing how to support myself and my family.

simplifying

what is even the point of participating in the corporate world? well, two main things:
- good income to support myself and my family in an expensive region
- health insurance

lately, what i enjoy most is just being at home. we have a dishwasher and a washer/dryer for god's sake, and i'm making the most of them. this new place is much bigger and more comfy for us. though i do wonder how we'll feel once we are three - will it quickly become small again? do we just have too much stuff?

i waver between wanting to live simply and wanting to soak in as much life and world as possible. i have intentions of recording music and reading tons of books, and participating in community activities. but is there anything wrong with just loving to spend time with my husband and allow my busy and nurturing body to rest on the couch? i love just walking to the park. going to the organic grocery store and perusing the shelves. i walk slowly now so even short jaunts feel full and satisfying. last week, i finished a book while sitting in the park - it was so pleasant.

there's tons of organizing to do. that's fine, but i am searching for a better balance. a truer balance of simple and intricate. richly intricate, not too tightly woven but using the most genuine threads. i am probably overthinking things and feeling like i need to be something that i am not. i know how to just be - so just be without worrying about it. if there is already happiness, then don't go looking for it.

from within

sometimes the workplace feels like a holding cell, a trap. i try to remind myself over and over that it is not; that life continues at work; that i shouldn't place so much a separation between work and life. i find solace in the humanity at work - chumming around with my team, enjoying an amazing view from our windows, delighting in free food like a young child. however, what it seems to come down to at every place i've worked at, is this: i would rather be somewhere else.

i might even sometimes enjoy the work i am doing, but even so: i would rather be cultivating my hobbies and spending time with loved ones. i wish i could spend all my time doing those things.

and aside from integrating with the reality of the workplace, finding humanity and joy - i also find escape. the interwebs, email, facebook checks on my iphone, and of course instant messenger. also there is a strange comfort in the solitude of my cubicle, or sometimes a huddle room. is it wrong to cling to escape? am i actually tearing down the possibility to embrace my workday?

what i want to do is infuse my deep passion about wellness and mindfulness into the work that i do and the interactions i have. i wish to spread my philosophies about these things. to help others love their day and appreciate life even when they are "stuck" here. to find opportunities in my day rather than longing for it to end.

i need to truly embody this before i can expect to make a direct impact on others.