let me envision an ideal little life.

we live in a house. it isn't attached to any other living spaces, it is a house with at least 3 bedrooms, a lot of sunlight, a backyard, convenient parking, some hardwood floors. ethan can cry to his hearts' content without waking any neighbors.

i can try my hand at growing herbs, maybe even vegetables. ethan practices crawling in the backyard. i have a piano again, a real acoustic one and not an electric one. i also have space for my guitar amp, recording apparatuses, etc. josh has office space.

our kitchen is inviting, and we have everything from our juicer to our food processor to our espresso maker sitting right there on the counter. we have a griddle for weekend pancakes.

i wake up and do yoga. i have breakfast and play with ethan. later in the morning i go for a run.

i make lunch. ethan and i picnic in the backyard, maybe go for a little stroll.

in the afternoon i work on my blog. i go to a cafe or write in my office, i also go out for inspiration.

ethan and i go to the farmers market to get fresh veggies and fruit and bread. i go home and cook a fresh dinner. we have friends over. we have wine. i play piano.

ethan goes to sleep. we continue the evening having some wine and dessert.

sleep and on to the next beautiful day.

is there some sort of romance in envy? i read some beautiful blogs and wistfully wish i could be as crafty and creative as some of these amazing women whose lives i follow. sure, i could be reading through rose-tinted browsers but still. yes, i would love to design websites for small business owners with cute products. yes, i would love to get paid to write about baby products. yes, i wish i could create hairstyles and make video tutorials for them. yes, there are things i can do too. but i A) don't do them and B) belittle them.

there is something dreamy about being in these shoes. being...well, the dreamer. stuck in a meaningless job that pays the bills, wishing for something beautifuller. the thing is, i did the bold thing once - i ditched this corporate wasteland for greener pastures. where did it leave me? absolutely refreshed for a long time, inspired, in love with the very air i lived in because it smelled so much cleaner and freer. ultimately however, i got freakin bored and longed for the crowded metropolis whose pulse is always ahead.

there are ways to make it work here. they are harder than in other places. especially being that i am 36 and haven't built up the freelance life that could help in this situation. it's not like i haven't had the time to do so. i just need to admit that it wasn't meant to be that way.

now with a little guy in my life, i don't have the luxury of spare time to figure those things out. but, i have to make time and figure it out. take care of the boy and take care of me. take care of my family.