this is a journal.

surprisingly, i don't completely mourn the loss of my livejournal. i had it for over 10 years and had read the whole thing cover to cover numerous times. i cherished that naivete of my early 20s, the excitement of the future and so many new opportunities, so many worlds to dabble in. i miss that voice. i used to analyze to my heart's content and it kept me afloat. the dreaminess of it all. i still carry some wistfulness with me where i walk, but life doesn't have as much room for it anymore.

i really want to have a blog, a full blown blog to speak to the "masses" with. i need that outlet. i don't even know how to get started though. wordpress just baffles me. i feel stupid trying to maneuver around it. i need to contract the me from 2001 to help get me started. i adored the livejournal community, how we would read each other's writing and comment on each other's stories. with mostly strangers. it was so liberating.

i think having that outlet will do wonders for me. i just need to decide how frank i will be. how much i want to reveal. i feel passionate about living truly and not being stuck in a job, so how can i stick myself out there when i am an Associate Director at a corporation? my goal would be to have a blog, and comment on other blogs in an effort to advertise my blog. because what i have here is just a journal, not a blog.

i will try to capture that journal essence though, that is my forte. stick with what you know: dreaminess.

from within

it gives me great satisfaction to pen an entry from inside the workplace, in a conference room, in the middle of this soulless job. it gives me a sense of self. i'm still me, this little voice of consciousness reaching out through the physical world, like the homunculus. wow, homunculus. i'm pleasantly surprised when i can conjure up random big words like that - makes me still feel smart.

i long to learn and live smartly, but instead i veer towards mindlessness. and that shouldn't surprise me, because i spend hours of each workday doing things i care little about. sometimes i think we need to make the most of our situation, and find things to care about. other times i look around and see people make it doing other things - blogging, making jewelry, running a cafe - and think, wtf, why am i committing so much time here. ok the pay is undeniable. no way could i be a blogger and make enough to support myself in this city. those people have got to have trust funds.

i want to re-focus on the basics. health, wellness. i don't want to let my current health issues set me back. if i need surgery and other treatment then so be it. but tomorrow, i want to go running. i want to eat fresh vegetables and good meat. i'm reading the Omnivore's Dilemma and it's wretched. i want my son to eat the best food he can. if he can skip out on chicken nuggets his entire life, that would be phenomenal.

the weather certainly helps. once it gets warmer i'll want to spend time outside. but lately, i feel like i have low energy levels, and i'm gaining weight, and i'm generally blah. if i spend so much blah time at work, i want to make my non-work time as blah-free as can be. as blah-free as can be: a mantra for today's working woman.