today i just couldn't deal. i had originally considered working in the office but was so blah that i just undocked and packed it up. today i didn't even sit at a desk. what did i do during work hours? i sat on my bed and stared at lists. i did a bunch of thinking. i outlined, drew charts in my notebook. answered some emails.

i IMd. i cooked rice. i visited the little boy. i cooked lunch and ate it while the little guy ate his lunch. i bundled him up and ergo'd him to the grocery store when he wouldn't take a nap. and you know what? he napped. i gave my mom a nice little almost-2-hours of quiet. i looked for jobs, i read FB and gossip sites. i stopped to play some games on my phone. i watched n's latest animated cartoon.

my job is getting to the point where i am not outputting a lot of tangible evidence. legitimately so, because i am no longer hands-on. and it's a struggle to prove productivity to myself, let alone to my colleagues. it's hard. i am sloughing along but it feels awful, like a big joke, and my boss knows i have time on my hands.

i need to recognize more fully that the lack of tangibility is OK. but, i also need to forge more strategic campaigns if i want to thrive here. and you know, of course i don't care enough to thrive here, so it's this vicious little circle. i don't care, but i want to seem like i care enough, but i am certainly not up for a big challenge to get me promoted because i don't care. i aim to do well with my team and with my expected duties, but forget it if i have to work extra hours at this job i don't care about. ugh.